I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Bring me that man meat
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
