She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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