Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
It's just like the Real World with babies
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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