I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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