I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
