Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
