I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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