Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
