Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
