I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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