Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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