I need to stop coming to work sober
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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