I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize