I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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