last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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