I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
