Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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