oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
