watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
