i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
