Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
