Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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