So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
