That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
