I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
