My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
