His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
