I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
