I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
