i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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