I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
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