i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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