I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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