I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
you made out with another girl for some wings
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
