i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
