cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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