I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
