I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
