I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
