Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
