nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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