did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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