Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
