How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
