Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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