Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
