Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
