Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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