Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
