the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
