she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
There are leaves in my underwear?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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