So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
