JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
