So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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