look no pants
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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