Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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