Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize