is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
