Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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