Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
you had me at cake vodka
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
