You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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