I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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