there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
